For years my church youth group took an annual retreat to Tuscarora Inn, every September. I looked forward to it so much. I knew it was a special time to connect with God. Maybe most middle school or high school students would be more excited about a weekend away from the their parents. I mean, yes it was great to be a different setting, the ability to spend copious amounts of time with friends was also a draw. However, I knew God was going to meet me there. Now it has been almost 15 years since I have been back there. When the opportunity arose to go back, I jumped. I have been desperate for God to show himself in a big burning bush kind of way.

I have always felt “different.” Knowing I was set apart and maybe didn’t have the same thought processes as some of my peers. I was always okay with that, for some reason. Now I know that reason is God in my life. However, as life has progressed that different and the passion, has turned to restlessness and discontent. How did I get here? It has now become a source of anxiety, that has come around to what feels like loss of purpose. I realize somewhere I lost my focus and passion. Standing at the edge of unrest and uncertainty. This has me saying, again God?

As I arrived at Tuscarora and saw the campus and the sparkling river my heart felt at peace. I walked around the campus getting a tour of what was new but so happy to see much of what I remembered was still there. My heart skipped a beat when I saw what they call “chalet",” to me it was the chapel. The red carpet on which so many tears fell, the walls that held our prayers and praises. I immediately thought, this is the “pool.” My youth pastor would often end our time there with an analogy. Here at the retreat we have spent time with one another and God. His presence is fresh in our minds and hearts. Just like when you are warm and comfortable swimming in a pool. When you get you get you are cold, wet, uncomfortable, and reach for a towel. It was always so true. Life would get in the way and we would have to make a choice. Would we reach for God in those moments? Would we remember the feeling of his presence. Thank you Jesus, I have always reached for you. However, I struggle to feel his presence in my constant reaching.

The truth is , I know God can meet me ANYWHERE. Of course, he has in many situations. I may not get a big burning bush or a plane writing his will across the sky. My moms dog isn’t going to turn to me and speak the word of the Lord. But I am hoping it lights little sparklers along the way to guide my path. Gives me courage to walk through open doors and the clarity of sigh to even see them!

As I sat down in-front of the chalet and opened my bible, there it was. Notes I had written about a message I heard about Gideon. The whole answer wasn’t revealed in one sitting but I know what I need to do. I need to re-visit the story of Gideon. I believe God is saying take the time to study, in my word is where you are going to find your next steps. In my reading I am learning all over again about Gideon’s faith and obedience in the face of his struggles with fear, double mindedness, and poor self image. Then my mom passes on a teaching she read about focus, fear, faith, and being double minded. See how God works? I was hoping when I wrote this I would tell you what the big reveal is. However, I still do not have. But I do know I am on my way. I am encouraged, which I haven’t been in so long. Maybe in reading this you realize you need to open up to the book of Judges and read about Gideon? He is asking me to step out, where I do not know. But I believe I am on the verge of him showing me. It may be a leap, it may be just one foot out, but I will take it. If I am obedient in studying what he has put in front of me, just maybe I will be ready for it. Every piece of the journey takes prep work. We all have a lot to deal with in this uncertain time. But what is certain is God, and he is still moving. He can still work in your life wherever you are at if you give faith and obedience a chance. He will show you how possible to impossible is with him.

note: I am not a preacher or one who holds any bible degree. Just an avid Jesus lover and follower sharing the thoughts and interpretations that I have come about when reading and studying in my own walk with the Lord. Please read the Bible and study for yourself and consult with your Pastor if you feel my perspective is misleading or does not agree with your “theology.”

My church is Full Gospel in Livingston, New Jersey. Look us up on Facebook or Youtube to hear sermons!