“While I wait I will worship, sometimes miracles take time” –Lincoln Brewster

 I talk often about the journey that is waiting and trusting. I seem to have gone through these periods often. However, this time I am controlling my emotions. Instead of being sad, confused and depressed I am calling out to God. Asking him to remind me he is with me. He is working on my behalf.

Last year during February if there was a snow day I would be extra sad. Before Siena, snow days meant off from school. Then it meant baking, cooking, and basking the quiet of a snowy day.  But, I could not bake or cook. I have no energy; I was tired and unmotivated. Tired from having a 7-month-old, and unmotivated by the struggles of postpartum depression and anxiety. The worst part was, I knew it. I remember thinking things like, would things every be the same again. Will I ever be able to do the things I once did? It was another part of the fog I could not see through.

Fast forward to this February, 2019, 19-month-old Siena and I baked banana bread. During her nap, I fooled around with a with a chili recipe, and praised God. Although I am not where I pictured myself to be, I am where he wants me to be. Of that I am sure. I thanked God for his continued work in me. I have not jumped right back into food tv and I am not running around the city. However, I am working and motivated to cook again. A place I was worried that I could not get back too. This day is a personal triumph in my journey as I celebrate progress and store it in my memory bank. Instead of being frustrated by what I feel are slow-downs I am enjoying it. Every time Siena smiles and laughs, I thank God I am here to see it. When she whines, and cries all day long I pray to God I live through it haha!

I feel things changing in my heart and that has what I have been asking for. I no longer to want to want my own plan if that makes sense. I want to accomplish what he has for me every day. If it is simply taking care of Siena, let me be content in that. I am making progress every day and I have to rest in the gratefulness. Otherwise, I will be eaten alive by comparing myself to others and wishing for more than I can do right now.

It took me until Siena was over a year to start to find balance. A lot of people are now writing me and asking me where the light is at the end of the tunnel. To that I can say there is one! However, it takes time and you have to meet yourself where you are at. Setting small goals instead of trying to jump ahead. As you take steps and your baby grows, you do find a rhythm. I just started working out a bit more regularly and finally had a sitter start coming twice a week. Little things like that help a lot! I have also learned to advocate for myself and speak up a bit. My husband isn’t a mind reader and I need to let him know what I need.  I had to work on becoming comfortable letting someone else take care of Siena. How can you expect someone to learn if you are always taking over? It is so hard, but necessary.

Small changes, one step at a time. Making sure I celebrate victories and not let them go by. Being purposeful in changing my complaints to praise. This is how I am digging out of the tunnel and seeing the light. All the while thanking God for taking my hand through it all.