I still remember that first New Years after Siena was born. I had just come down off my first panic attack and made an appointment with a counselor in the new year. I knew something was wrong. I also knew it didn’t have to be this way. I was SO many things besides happy. I was disappointed, embarrassed, guilty, frustrated, sad, disgusted, all with myself. However, let me note that I was ALWAYS grateful. Grateful that she was here, and now healthy. Yes, she may have been a tough and fussy baby. But she was doing very well and I was ALWAYS grateful. Another reason why I knew something wasn’t right.

You can read more about that in my previous posts. This is now my third New Years with Siena. She is now 2 and a half. I have successfully weaned off of my medication. Which at first, I made a mistake with it and set myself back. Now, I am done. God has delivered me from the deep waters of depression. Of this I am confident. For this, I am rejoicing in this truly new year. In church today, part of the message was how God is saying look forward. Why are you looking back at your hardships, doubt and fear. My eyes welled with tears as i felt that was a message for me. Of course, there are still issues I am working through. There are still times of doubt or fear. Times of exhaustion that result in frustration and anxiety. However, they are now moments. Not days turning into weeks. Not me fighting against the feeling of hopeless that I know is so wrong.

That first New Years Eve as the ball dropped so did my heart. I felt isolated from everyone and everything. Except for God. I knew he was there and I was going to lean into him. I was going to let him carry me through this. I knew it was going to be hard and it may not look like I wanted it too. And I can tell you it certainrly did not. My constant prayer (among others) was that God would heal me. Then as I journeyed through this I realized I needed to pray even bigger. Acknowledge that God is even greater than my expectations. I started praying God, not only will you heal me, but you will make me into someone brand new. Which he has and I believe is continuing to do so.

17 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:7

This is not to show you that I am somehow strong or superior to anyone else. I am not more spiritual or more deserving than anyone else. I want someone to read this and see the progression. To see the journey, and the work it takes, and will continue. Nothing happens overnight. Your mind and your body may not heal as quick as you want or think it should. I was hoping to just be on medication 6 months and then I found myself surpassing a year. This is to hopefully encourage someone to hang in there. To keep working on IT.

I still have days where the darkness may want to creep in. Where I can feel my stress or panic getting the better of me. When my thoughts are running a mile a minute along with the what seems like chaos swirling. Now, I can talk and pray my through it. I recognize the attack. I truly realize that these are moments in time that will pass. They no longer feel like they linger and rule my days.

“My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders”

Lyrics by For King and Country

Let him pull you through. Let him lead you to people that will help guide through this time. Be faithful in prayer and calling out to him. But also to a plan of action. I want to tell you there is relief. It took me over two years to put myself back together. Together in a new way. Accepting and understanding this new way of life. I look forward to holidays again. I look forward to and look for family moments. Although I do not have the perfect balance of life yet. What is perfect anyway? To look as white and bright as an Instagram photo? Or to look tired in the playroom, but laugh as I watch her play. While feeling fortunate that I get to do so. Instead of this dreaded feeling I used to have. Thank you Lord for the greatest gift. Now my prayer is that I continue to grow in him and use what I have learned. Not only for myself but to encourage others. Asking God, what do you want from my day? As simple as it may be each morning. accepting that. Because as I work, so is he on my behalf.