Last of the Littles
Photo Credit: Stacy Mae Photography
I am the type of person that will keep myself busy to try to distract myself from feeling too much. It may not always be the best idea, but it serves me sometimes. However, I knew eventually I would have to sit down and face the emotions so to speak. Siena is graduating from preschool and it really is a small milestone in the grand scheme of her life God willing. However, I am pretty determined to celebrate everything and be present for as much as I can. I think that is possibly one of the more positive things that come from going through a depression or anxiety. You are just so much more grateful for each moment. Because as you experience them more fully, the guilt you have from not being present in past moments starts to reconcile. You recognize that you have grown beyond the heavy and confusing feelings in your heart, and your able to feel the bittersweet joy that the moment brings. That is not to say these new moments do not come with stress and confusion of their own haha!
She hopped into preschool and has loved every minute of it. Siena wakes up happy to go to school, to see her teachers, and for whatever the day will bring. Actually, Siena is excited to do ANYTHING! So often she says, “this is the best day ever!” Sometimes it could simply because I let her have ice cream after dinner. She will try any sport or activity, she says no to nothing. Which may leave me broke at some point haha! I hope she never loses that excitement. It is wonderful and infectious! I now strive to match her excitement, and look at the day as she does.
But at the same time she can leave a store without a toy, she tithes to church, and wants to make sure people have enough to eat. She sets aside any money she gets for allowance or her birthday, for the missionaries, unprompted. I could not be more proud of her. I see her work hard, and I also see her scribble fast to just get it done haha! She surprises me with her independence, and her moments of self assurance.
I know God has a purpose and plan for her life. I pray that the I can’t protect her from everything, but as she enters elementary. school it will be a lesson in letting go. Not just in letting her go to school, but letting God go with her. Not just in terms of safety, which is a big enough concern. But resting in knowing God has her heart, he is going to protect it. He will give me wisdom and words to soothe her anxieties, disappointments, and fears as she navigates school. I am not doing this alone. I will most likely not get everything right, I am pretty sure I already have fallen short. That is where He comes in, I will learn to rest in knowing he will fill in where I lack.
This may sound melodramatic. I am fine with that. Because there may be someone reading this that is where I was more than four years ago. Struggling to feel as they “should” wading in the waters of frustration, disappointment, fear, and maybe even shame. These moments are in your future, you will be able to celebrate. You will rejoice even harder because you know what it took to get you both there.
As scared as I am for the chapter, I am looking forward to all the celebratory moments we have in our future. I am determined to make her last little summer the best. That doesn’t mean doing expensive or pinterest worthy things. But constantly reminding myself to take a step back and walk with her. Things truly can wait, it is just a season. I better enjoy her with it, because soon it too will be over.