"You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

1Peter 3:4

We are all familiar with the phrase, “the light at the end of the tunnel.” I used to refer to that a lot when speaking about my journey, specifically after having Siena. She is now 3 and many things have changed. I write as a different person from my original posts about my postpartum struggles. I am no longer looking for the end of the tunnel. I am looking to be content in my journey. To be hopeful of what lies ahead, and thankful for the struggles that teach my how to do better each time. I am looking for more of the twinkles of light along the way instead of blindly fumbling in the dark only looking for that one floodlight. Or maybe I sing twinkle, twinkle little start with Siena to often? Either way, I feel like it is worth mentioning.

Recently, I have received many messages from other mothers suffering from various forms of depression, anxiety, doubt, confusion, you name it! It seems the message I put out there years ago about my postpartum anxiety and depression still resonates with people. So , I thought a little update would be helpful. It seems keeping the conversation going is necessary.

Siena is now 3, and full on toddler. I still do not feel like I have found balance that I perceive other moms to have. There are some days where I accomplish a lot and hope to keep the momentum going. Then the next day shows me, well it’s not going to happen haha! I still fight the urge to compare myself to everyone and everything. I still tend to wonder why things don’t “look that way” for me or why can’t I “handle” this. However, I have come so far. I look at Siena with my heart exploding most times (I mean and also my head some days!). I was desperate for that feeling in the beginning. But I was so depressed and anxious at the time. Which I have since put that guilt to rest. She makes me laugh daily, keeps me playful, and I now look forward to her calling me name in the morning. Except, not before 7 am haha! These are things I used to long to identify with. I would hear and read mothers saying this and cry because I wasn’t in that frame of mind. Feeling defective, guilty, ashamed, and just dark. I have been there.

Now that dark tunnel is gone. I am focusing on those little lights a long the way. Celebrating these small moments of victories. They fuel my journey instead of the dark spots. It has very hard to plan the future, and I have been starting to let of that. Taking life day by day and letting those small moments shine bright. My light is Jesus, and the family and friends he gave me. The people he uses to lift me up and lend the helping hand right when I need it. I have been having some health issues and I had one friend who dropped off dinner not once but three times. I think I cried each time! My mother and my sister dropped off food or came to the front door to wave to say hi to us to break my day. My brother would call me continually to check in so would my cousins. I will hide these moments in my heart. Every time I want to complain about trivial things I will replay these moments in my heart. Because I want what truly matters to take up space in my heart and mind. I encourage you to do the same. Fill up your heart with memories of moments of peace and kindness. Look for how you can be that person for someone else. You will find less room for the negative, for the replay of what is not going well in life.

It is not all as simple as it sounds, I know. Everyday I need wake up and pray for strength. Some days I do still feel that dark cloud, as if I am about to walk in that dark tunnel. However, it is just a bad day, and I can keep it to that. Again, if you feel like your feelings are too much to bear I strongly suggest reaching out for professional help. I am so glad I did, and I continue to do so. There is NOT any shame in helping yourself, which in turn helps your family. I think of it as, if you were sick you would go to the doctor and get the help you need to feel better. Why is not okay to do the same for your mental health? Sometimes are our nerves are sick, our hormones, or any number of things that can affect our abilities to cope. I hope this message continues to reach more people and bring comfort.