A Year Ago Today, A Letter to Siena

A year ago I sat in the hospital for my third morning. It was quiet, no one was around. I looked at the monitor, it was showing the same situation. I was having what I knew were small contractions, but I didn’t want to tell anyone. I will never forget the quiet, and I will never forget hearing God’s voice so clear. He told me he was going to take you and I would deliver you. However, everything would be okay. I knew it would be okay, I trust God’s promises.

You taught me to hear God’s voice. I had been trying to figure out what it really sounded like. A year later I realize you helped me hear it. I cried alone for a bit. Only because I felt bad I could not carry you to term giving the best chance at development. Then my mom called to check on me.

I used to stare at commercials where moms were being handed their babies and wonder. I would look at people’s photos on facebook of their first moments. The adorable hat and welcome to the world outfit that I never put you in. I used to feel sadness and confusion about how we didn’t know that feeling. There was no photo of me in my pretty pajamas and you in your matching blanket. No baby to show hospital visitors, your first day home came a month later. I know now that I do not want that. Because that would be a different time and experience. We would be different people and you would be a different baby. I do not want anything but who you are and what we are now. Although Mommy went through a hard time it is passing. I used to apologize to you while you would sleep. Telling you how sorry I was and that I was going to get better.

And now I hold you for as long as I can at night and give you kisses saying mommy loves you.

All that was a year ago, but we are here now moving on. We have a testimony that we will share of how great God is and how he delivered us all.

I am sure there will be moments where the past may creep into the future. But it is certainly our past now. I feel as if we are redoing everything! Last July we spent in the hospital. This July we have taken you to your first Henke 4th of July party, a trip to the zoo, you go to the farmer markets on Saturdays with us, and out on sushi dates with mommy and daddy. Thank you Jesus, this could have turned out different in many ways.

But I have a strong feeling now that it turned out just how it was supposed to be. We look forward to the future little Siena. Seeing the world through your eyes, no matter how tired mine are! Sharing our life with you. Seeing you do everything for the first time. Working hard to grow you into a little lady that loves people and the Lord.

Those who read this struggling please keep in mind there is healing. It didn’t take me 3 months, or 6 like I thought it should. For me, it took longer. Longer for my body to start to feel a bit more like my own. For my husband and I to start getting the hang of our new relationship. For me to learn how to go to grocery store with her or be out at all. For me to see and accept the LIFE CHANGE. Some people it comes more naturally. We all have different circumstances.

Give yourself grace and time. I see now it’s not a magazine cover, it is a process. It is certainly a journey. We are still going to have good days and bad. But it feels like your life changes overnight, and it does. However, it took me a year to get a better hold on that change.

I used to sing this to Siena every day in the hospital along with a couple of other songs. I would spend so many hours there a day holding her. I didn’t know what else to say or how to bond with her. So, I thought that maybe singing the same songs would help. Now on the eve of her first birthday I played her the song with the Dumbo clip playing behind it. She sat in my lap and smiled through the whole song. This is the moment I prayed for, that I feared would never come in my post partum mind. Which is now becoming my own again <3