In-between the Couple Goals
photo by giella barbara photography
I see this hashtag a lot on Instagram, “couples goals.” Sometimes I even get that comment on my Instagram photos that show Brian and I . I see cute pictures of couples on vacations, making silly faces, looking like they cordinated their outfits all over social media. Celebrity couples have thousands of comments of people hoping to find a love like the one the happy picture portrays. Just another highlight reel where I see people forming their expectations. As Valentines Day approaches I figured why not address “couples goals.”
Brian and I are in our 16th year together, and coming up on our 10 year marriage anniversary. We have an adorable little sassy pants girl. We are blessed with a home, two cars, and a great all around family. We go on vacations from time to time, we do fun things, we like a modest life. I can see how people would look at us an comment, “couple goals.” There is no denying how blessed we are , and at the end of the day truly grateful for the life we live together. However, people are missing the in-between. The moments where I didn’t have my camera in hand for a cute selfie because maybe I threw it across the room in anger. Yup, that’s right!
What gets you from happy picture to happy picture is the true goal. The divorce rate, while may have slightly declined in the past year, the rate at which people are getting married has decreased as well. Being committed to another person is A LOT of work.
When you see people first get married, you see pictures of their honeymoon and wedding day. Not the photo of the almost break ups, fights about the guest list and a myriad of other relationship woes. Not pictures of the day they moved into their first place where they slept on a mattress on the floor. Or the arguments they had about money when it came time to purchase their first home. You just saw the cute photo of them holding up their keys at the contract signing. What was really taking place is they were learning about each others financial situations for real, while seeing how one another views the handling of finances. Or maybe you see all of the adorable pictures of a mommy blogger who says her heart is just bursting at the sight of her husband being a father. Yes, its true, that does happen. I can’t get enough of seeing Brian with Siena, it is truly a great joy. However, how about dealing with the fact that he travels A LOT. Comes home with 20 minutes to spare before her bed time. Or when he left for California as I stayed int he NICU with her, alone. We had to an continue to work through these things. No one is chronicling how hard the change of life can be for both you. It doesn’t always look like the Christmas card photo. Especially when your wife is suffering from PPD and having a panic attack on Christmas. But Brian is still here, and so am I.
My point is to get to the “goals” you need to have your priorities straight. The fairy-tale that is painted for you on social media, well it does exist. But not without some lifetime movie horror moments in-between. You have to know everyday will be full of compromises. There will be many days where you are disappointed and even hurt. Most of the time because you are two different people, with two different communication styles. But what you have in common is that you love each other. Even when you don’t feel like you do, you do. Therefore, no matter how many doors you slam and hurtful things you say, there are still lines you wouldn’t cross. That takes true commitment, and self control. When you are married you can’t or you shouldn’t run away because your relationship doesn’t seem to look like the next. The grass is NOT always greener. You do not find comfort in someone else. You have to commit to keep coming back to that person and find a way to resolve, and heal.
Your goal should be to find someone who is willing to work with you through differences. Who is going to respect you and your relationship even when things are not picture perfect. Someone who will commit to fall in love with you and who you are as each season of your life changes. You need to also commit to the same. You are both going to change over the years, as will your life situations. For me, true couples goals is finding new ways to love that person as things change. To also, take some hard looks at myself and my own behavior.
Above all else, when nothing else works, God does. I know we pray for one another in good times and bad. Seeing Brian read his Bible before has always been one of my favorite parts about him. Being able to ask him to pray for me, is so valuable. Being committed to bringing Siena to church together, even when it is a struggle, I know only makes us stronger. We may disagree on so much, but we always know where we stand with the Lord. We are both confident that God sent us each other. Although sometimes I may question it in weakness. He always makes it clear to us as we choose to move forward, together.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ...
Please note: This is an opinion of a general relationship scenario(s) There are so many different types of relationship circumstances. This is not a judgement being placed on those who have been or are going through divorce or any other hardship. Please seek profession help/counseling if dealing with issues pertaining to your marriage. And NEVER stay in a relationship that is physically or mentally abusive. If you feel you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact https://www.thehotline.org/.
photo by Tanialee Gonzalez